By Amanda Barrios
November on campus is crunch time before finals. You are hanging on by a thread, and the line at the coffee shop is longer than your list of overdue assignments. Everyone is clutching a cup of something caffeinated and, if you listen closely, you can hear the espresso machines drowning out your burnout.
Here’s the thing though. Your coffee order is not just about the taste. It is a lifestyle, a cry for help but less depressing than your midterm grades.
I spent minutes conducting in-depth, peer-reviewed research (aka spying on people in line) to decode what your drink says about your major and your questionable life choices. So, take a sip, accept that you are being gently roasted (pun intended), and let’s find out if your caffeine habit reflects your soul or just your sleep deprivation.
Iced Latte
Major: Communications, Psychology, or Sociology
Personality: You firmly believe iced coffee hits differently, even if your hands are turning blue.
You are the kind of person who “romanticizes” studying in cafés but spends most of your time watching people. You have strong opinions on astrology, weak opinions on deadlines, and your emotional support beverage is this latte.
Catchphrase: “It’s about the vibe, not the temperature.”
Black Coffee
Major: Philosophy, Political Science, or History
Personality: You are not drinking coffee, but rather making a statement. You think flavor is a distraction and often say things like “sleep is an illusion.” You once quoted Aristotle in a group chat and never recovered socially.
Catchphrase: “I don’t drink it for the taste, I drink it for the suffering.”
Caramel Macchiato
Major: Business, Marketing, or Public Relations
Personality: Your iced caramel macchiato is 80% sugar and 20% ambition. You always look like you have a meeting in five minutes. You probably have a color-coded Google Calendar and treat networking events like the Met Gala.
Catchphrase: “It’s not caffeine, it’s fuel.”
Matcha Latte Major: Environmental Science, Art, or Gender Studies
Personality: You are effortlessly chill but also deeply passionate about saving the planet and curating your Pinterest aesthetic. You probably own a thrifted sweater or scarf that could double as a blanket and use your Stanley as a weapon of hydration justice.
Catchphrase: “I’m not like a regular caffeine consumer.”
Double Espresso Shot
Major: Computer Science, Engineering, or Economics
Personality: Your sleep schedule has entered an abstract phase. You treat espresso like a vitamin supplement. You code for fun, cry in binary, and occasionally forget to blink.
Catchphrase: “Sleep is for non-STEM majors.”
Pumpkin Spice Latte Major: English or Education
Personality: You are an autumn stan. You’ve been listening to the “Folklore” album since August and consider crunching leaves a sport. You write essays at 2 a.m. with lo-fi music and existential dread.
Catchphrase: “It’s called seasonal affective style.”
Cold Brew
Major: Business Analytics, Finance, or Architecture
Personality: You are constantly on the edge… of success or a breakdown. It is unclear. You drink cold brew like it is a pre-workout. You’re either in the gym or in the middle of a 200-slide presentation.
Catchphrase: “I don’t chase dreams, I chase deadlines.”
Chai Latte
Major: Theatre
Personality: You radiate cozy chaos. You pretend to hate drama. Except… you are the drama.
You probably own a turtleneck for every mood and journal exclusively in cafés.
Catchphrase: “I could fix him, but I’d rather write a poem.”
Triple Shot Espresso
Major: Nursing
Personality: You don’t drink coffee, you administer it into your veins through IV’s. You have been awake since the last presidential administration and think caffeine counts as a vital sign.
Catchphrase: “I run on discipline, not dopamine.”
Frappuccino
Major: Undecided
Personality: You are new here. You have not met anxiety yet, but you’ve met a caramel drizzle. You’ll grow into your caffeine tolerance or just drop out trying.
Catchphrase: “What’s a midterm?”
I want to think we are all unique individuals but really, we’re just different flavors of exhaustion.
So, next time you are in line at the Cyber Café, take a moment to appreciate your surroundings.
Because behind every barista silently judging everyone’s oat milk order, a student is calculating whether or not they can afford another $6 latte. And you? You are trying to convince yourself that caffeine will finally fix your life.
It won’t. But at least it will get you through your 8am class.
